| Lonely |
[Aug. 28th, 2007|01:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  lazy | ] |
The love of my life is in Washington DC - Boo hoo! I am lonely, but on the other hand I can eat what I want, and watch a marathon session of The "L" Word. It is good thinking time too, but I do miss him and rubbing my face against his scruffy beard. I am really excited about my online book business it is really taking off and I should have a nice Christmas fund. I do kinda wish I had a girlfriend to cuddle up with right now, though. |
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| The Joy of Music |
[Aug. 16th, 2007|11:00 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  excited | ] |
Last night Master(CyberDave549) and I went to Ravinia to see one of my favorite bands"Hootie and the Blowfish". We got gormet Italian cheeses and Capicola from Sam's Wine and Spirits. We had the best time listening to the music and kissing! After 2 bottles of wine I was a little toasted but it was my first time at Ravinia. I can't wait to go back! |
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| Adventures In Dee's Colon |
[Aug. 14th, 2007|08:51 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
Yesterday was my Wonderful Master's Birthday!!!! Although I spent the morning getting a colonoscopy. They had to cut our a couple of polyps and I will find out in a week if they are cancerous. Before the procedure I was pooping my brains out, now I am painfully constipated!!! The evening was fun we went to see Marilyn Manson in concert and cuddled during the time we could sit down (lots of rude kids standing up!) Happy 43 CyberDave549(Love you Master!) |
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| Friday Night Happenings and other Strange Events |
[Jul. 28th, 2007|12:05 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
After having to break my appointment with Andrew on Tuesday to get my free meds, the day and time arrived! I was so looking forward to getting my tattoo of my two furry sons(Neo and Loki). I made a quick visit to see my daughter Noelle, we are collecting stuffed microbes- cute stuffed versions of nasty diseases(www.thinkgeek.com). I delivered her Mono, flu, and the common cold, and she was really excited to get them before going to Colorado!
So I have realized...that you can still be in a customer service related business(such as a tattoo artist) and still be a serious DICK!!!!!! I used to not feel a thing when getting tatted, but my wonderful meds(thank you Effexor XR), as Master Dave has said "Waken up my brain" and tatts are no longer a FUN experience. Every single nerve in my foot was awake and jumpy, and my dearest Andrew was having a shit fit! I tried so hard to relax my foot and sucking on Master Dave's fingers and squeezing his hand was no helping the situation at ALL!
After this being about my 13th tattoo, Andrew told me "Maybe you should stick with piercings, your NOT the tattoo type!"(FUCKER!) Well I have decided that I am going to stay away from tats for awhile, and Andrew(after 800 dollars of my tat money), has fucked himself out of a customer for LIFE!!!
Master Dave and I then had some good laughs at the movies. We went to see "The Simpsons Movie", stupid humor can be fun when you are in serious pain - lol. Then it was back home for my Melatonin and some loving cuddles with the Master Man!!!! |
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| Deep Thoughts and Hard Drives |
[Jul. 19th, 2007|10:46 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | blah | ] |
I was really proud of myself tonight! I installed a secondary hard drive (a slave - lol) and connected it to the primary drive(the Master) and partitioned the hard drive and it actually worked! I have gone from being the most untechnical person in the world, to becoming a real geek chick! On a heavier note, I have been reflecting tonight, I no longer believe in love or romance. I am a slave, a thing to be used, a thing who serves, a thing who obeys. I no longer adhere to girlish fantasies of love and romance, they are not real! Nor will they ever be for me! |
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| Boredom |
[Jul. 18th, 2007|12:12 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  bored | ] |
We are moving buildings today at work and we do not have our computers - so we cannot work. BOR - ING. I came home for lunched and served Master well - lol. Tonight I will probably go to CLAW and listen to their discussion on EROTICA. |
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| Cuddles |
[Jul. 14th, 2007|06:32 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | content | ] |
Last night was wonderful and relaxing! CyberDave549 and I cuddled on the couch and watched DVDs.
I really want our relationship to grow. He is a great guy, an amazing Master and a very wise and loving man. I have the kids over today and he is teaching Noelle guitar. I love to see him interact with the kids. Life is good right now, I know what I need to work on. I am a content little kitty right now - lol. |
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| Melting Down like Chocolate on a 100 Degree Day |
[Jul. 12th, 2007|02:12 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | aggravated | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Big Girls Don't Cry - Fergie | ] |
Ok, so I had one of my more than brilliant melt downs yesterday. The good thing was there wasn't any anger, just a day of crying in my cube. The happy thing was my name was changed on all my accounts(I did most of it myself since I am an admin). Just being reflective of how I want things in my life to be got me down. I have what I have, but I always want more. I love CyberDave549, but I want our relationship to be more. I want to be more than a slave, I love the kink, but I need to be more than someone's sex toy. I need true love and commitment. After all I have been through, after all I have given up in this lifetime, it is what I need to overcome the hurt and anguish that has been a natural part of me. I don't know why someone who has only hurt and made one's life miserable(and looks like a horse of course - lol)is more worthy than I. I have given my heart and soul, so much more than I have ever given anyone and I just feel so insignificant. |
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| Turning Over a New Leaf |
[Jul. 10th, 2007|04:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | relieved | ] |
Today I changed my last name. For 20 years I have bore the name of a wimpy red neck idiot. Now I am a new woman with a new name. I almost forgot how to sign my maiden name at the S.S. office. I do have some gripes about today though. I got a wonderful message from a girl on collarme and then she deleted her profile. What a fake! I am about to give up on girl relationships and just focus on Davey. We talked today about how happy he was that he waited for marriage to loose his virginity, I told him "yeah, but you fool around now and you aren't married anymore!" Then he tells me Well I should be married, but thats another story." What the hell does that mean? I hate his teasing about marriage, I love him sooooooooooooooooo much. If I loved that redneck idiot half as much as I love Dave, we would still be married. Say Hello Ms. Spencer. |
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| LIfe So Far....... |
[Jul. 5th, 2007|01:53 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | lonely | ] |
I had an Awesome Birthday June 24, I spent the day at the PRIDE PARADE, with my dear friend Libbydabomb and my daughter Gothiccat and her group of Pride supporters. Life has been good for the most part, my anger has been managable and it has been a couple of weeks since any blowouts with the Lord of our manor - lol. The apple of my eye and piercing sword through my heart Lord Conundrum has even mentioned the "M" word a couple of times in the past couple of weeks. To tell you the truth...I don't ever think he will pop the question....but a girl can dream!!!! Last night we had a fabulous play party with Libbydabomb. She learned that electricity can be fun!!!! She also got to experience our new toy....what I call the"Jackhammer" vibrator. We were tied to each other and got to rub our boobies against each other and play kissy face. The German Dr. Von Hinz was very funny, my man made a great Nazi Dr. doing his pain and pleasure experimentation on our poor captive. I am sure we will have another great scene on Friday night!!! The Dr. is in the Quad Cities, so I am going to be lonely and sad tonight. |
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| Overcoming Daddy Issues on Father's Day |
[Jun. 18th, 2007|05:08 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | hopeful | ] |
After the last suicide attempt, I was actually able to reach out to my Dad(which I haven't been able to do in awhile). I took him out to dinner at "Graziano's" a fabuluous little Italian Restaurant in Skokie, I got him a card and a Barnes and Noble Gift Card. He is still ranting about how his brother Billy died, and how he feels that Billy's son and ex had a hand in making sure he died. He seems to be enjoying semi-retirement, and my late mother's sweet kitty "Molly". Like me, he says his cats have gotten him through the rough times. Loki and Neo love me and cuddle me, and make me feel better when I am sad. I asked him "How his Father's Day was?" he said "This was the best one he has ever had". Which made me feel good. Maybe the hurt that he has caused for so many years will heal. I don't have a mom anymore, I need someone. Dave says he is a tired and depressed old man, he can't hurt me anymore. The pain of watching your mother nearly beat to death is very traumatizing and I am still trying to heal. He has never been there for me, but after the last attempt, Dave left my Dad a message to call me....and he did. He has never acted like he loved me....he never wanted kids. I have always felt like an unwanted obligation, not a daughter. I do want to heal, and if getting closer and developing a relationship with my Dad aids in the healing.....so be it. We talked a long time and the food was great. He said he is going to put sometime aside this summer to do something with me and the kids. He has a "Lady Friend", they have been together for many years, but I have never met her. I think I would like Barbara. I hope he is not ashamed of her because she is an African-American woman, I love black people! I hope that this is some sort of step or at least a mini-break through for me. Tomorrow I am going to talk about it with Mr. Shrinky Dink. |
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| My Fantasy Hand Fasting |
[Jun. 17th, 2007|07:07 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | ecstatic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Give a Little Bit......The Goo Goo Dolls | ] |
It is a beautiful Spring day, there is a canopy set up and fold out white chairs filled with friends and family. There is a very attractive pudgy man grey with dark hair waits near the front of the canopy. The wedding march is played, and girls in green bridesmaid gowns filter down the isle with groomsmen in the same grey tuxedos as the portly man up front. The guests then stand as the main choral note is played on the piano. In the meadow, a prancing is heard and a beautiful white stallion is led by an older thin fraile looking man. On the stallion, is a glowing woman with red hair tied in a braid, she is wearing a lavender gown and matching veil around the veil is a crown of flowers, she is stunning and very happy. The man stops the stallion and helps his daughter off. The high priest addresses the crowd, the proud father gives his daughter's hand to the smiling groom. Words are said, the groom's daughter then plays the theme from "Love Story" on her violin. The vows that each have written are said and shared with all, and rings are exchanged. There will be a reading of Shakesphere's Sonnets. Then the bride's daughters will play there guitars and sing "Give a Little bit...." . They kiss the kiss that has been long awaited......and doves are released upon that one perfect kiss. They get on the horse and ride away, as husband and wife. It is simply beautiful..... |
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| Love |
[Jun. 17th, 2007|01:20 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | touched | ] |
I can't believe that I feel this way, but I do. After Wes, I never wanted marriage again. But I do wish Dave would ask me. I know I have screwed up with him so many times. But my heart and soul belong to him, and I would never leave him. I have never loved anyone as much as him. He is my everything. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 9th, 2007|11:46 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | happy | ] |
Gothiccat and I went to see the Goddess Stevie Nicks rock out last night. We got lost downtown a bit(a stupid cabbie dropped us off at the wrong place). We missed 3 Stevie songs, but as we made it to our seats, SHE STARTED SINGING RHIANNON! I proceded to scream and gave Gothiccat a big hug. She and I danced to Stevie on the platforms at the Charter One Pavilion. I felt Stevie's positive energy flow through the arena. IT WAS AWESOME! After the week I had....this was such an uplifting experience. A guy on the bus thought Gothiccat and I were sisters, he was surprised when I told him she was my daughter(lol). HAPPY BIRTHDAY GOTHICCAT!!!!!! MOMMY LOVES YOU!!!!! |
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| Energy, Rope, and, the Psyche |
[May. 30th, 2007|09:29 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  giggly | ] |
Shibaricon was AWESOME! I do love the feel of rope-it is my favorite type of bondage. Tight rope feels like a big hug! I got to try 12 pt suspension, which was like laying in a hammock, it was the best feeling. The best part of Shibaricon was a seminar on Rope and Ritual. Shivah did an awesome job of sharing her energy with others and showing how rope can produce energy within the scene. I think that is something I need to focus on, energy work. I think it will give me a more positive outlook on life. Dave and I played at Shibaricon and the LRA which was a lot of fun, he has never played in public, so it was fun to introduce him to that aspect.
My shrinky dink has suggested that I discuss my feelings with my father in a constructive and gentle way which would facilitate a relationship. It is worth a try and I do want to make peace within myself about all that has happened.
I do have to say that I do have fears about Dave leaving me for Judy.....I love him with all my heart!
The best part about the weekend was keeping my mocha pet in line with my cane....she is so feisty she needs to know her place-lol. |
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| POLY - MORPHIC |
[May. 11th, 2007|11:48 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | ecstatic | ] |
Dave and I have made some really good changes in our relationship. We have decided to have a poly relationship. He will be seeing Judy and I will be seeing this GREAT guy I have been talking to Robert. The amazing thing is that he and Dave really hit it off during our meeting at Starbuck's. I just hope that Dave will eventually let me meet Judy. He is almost too protective of her. If we are to be sister slaves, we should be friends.
I am really happy with my new therapist. He made me see the way I see Dave in a total different way. Dave feels broken because of his bought with cancer, and not because he doesn't find me attractive. I need to nuture him and understand, so he can heal and feel better about himself.
I feel really positive about a lot of things right now!!!!! |
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| Who am I |
[Apr. 19th, 2007|11:47 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | melancholy | ] |
I am someone who has been through a lot in my life. I was an unwanted child. I watched my mother abused at the hands of my father. I had alcoholic grandparents on both sides of my family. I have survived a loveless marriage, and I have brought four beautiful children into the world(maybe a fifth?). I have had three miscarriages. I am trying to get over the death of my mother. I am trying to figure out if I can ever forgive my father for all the damage he has done in my life. I am trying to discover who I really am. I am a woman with a lot of needs; emotionally, sexually, and mentally. I have found a career that I am overjoyed with, and that I want to learn more about everyday. I miss my kids, and I wish they were here with me everyday. I want to grow spirtually as a practicing pagan woman. I want to be accepted for my paganism and bisexuality, judgemental people are not the ones I want in my life. I am trying to figure out if I am in the right relationship with the right person, because I do need someone solid in my life. I need someone to guide me through my pain and love me. Someone that may want to marry me someday because of the heart and soul of who I am, not whether or not I am a Christian. So even at nearly 39, I know I still have a lot of growing to do(and healing). I am thankful for my bestfriend who I love with all my heart and who is always there for me(she knows she is da bomb - lol). So I am in this extremely melancholy reflective mood, and that is what I will end on. |
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| Polyamory |
[Apr. 12th, 2007|10:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
I do believe there is significance to polyamory. Unfortunately, I am in a monogamous relationship which will never lead to marriage, so I feel that being truly monogamous is worthless. Monogamy is a trap, to me love should be free flowing. When polyamory is played out in its true sense, it can be very fulfilling. I am a person who feels and I feel like I have a lot of love to give. I hate being in a relationship...where I am totally unappreciated and taken for granted. Love should be shared by those who want to take part of its richness and intoxicating spirit. |
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| My IT Career |
[Apr. 3rd, 2007|09:46 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
I am so excited, working for this new company is great!!!! I giveth access to active directory and taketh it away - lol. They set me up with a really great co worker who is showing me the ropes. I feel so lucky to have this job!!! LIFE IS GOOD!!!! |
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| Goodbye Uncle Billy |
[Apr. 1st, 2007|10:52 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sad | ] |
This journal entry is a memorial to my uncle, Bill Spencer. If he were still with us, I would tell him that I do love him and he was one of my favorite uncles. He was my hero, a firefighter, a star football and baseball player in high school, and he had the most honest, friendly, and fun personalities of all the Spencer boys. Just know you have a niece, that loves you, no matter where you are. We all have issues, but no matter what YOU ARE LOVED. I wish we could have been in communication more, but you are in my thoughts always. I wish your brother Bob could have had the balls to tell me about your death. But my father has a knack for screwing me up psychologically. Just know you will be missed, and tears are being shed in memory of you and your life. |
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